I Want To Be Known For My Hits, Not My Misses.

Today has been nothing less than enlightening.

I had one of those really amazing friend moments today. You know, you have a new friend, and there's trust but it's super limited because you don't really know much about them. So you tell people that you're friends, but deep down you have no idea. Well, I finally had my "we're friends" moment with a new friend today. It was perfect. I love those really deep friend moments. It makes me feel like a rockstar or something.

Friends are so rare these days. You have them, but constantly question why the hell they even bother hanging out with you. I wonder that everyday. Everytime someone speaks to me, I just think, "Do you even really like me? Do you know who I am?" I guess part of me is just insecure and second guesses every good thing in my life. I mostly think that if I wasn't me I wouldn't want to be friends with me. I'm just not that cool. And no matter what anyone says...I am not a good person.

You might be thinking, come on *****, why wouldn't people like you? I'll tell you why.

I self-medicate with song lyrics and insults.
I overdose on self-pity.
I'm letting my heart-disease kill me because it seems easier than finding a cure.
I'm comfortable knowing that my life is not important in the grand scheme of things.
I blog because I know that none of my friends could ever really support or accept who I really think I am.
I'm only emo on paper.
And I can't stand black unless it takes the shape of 4" Jimmy-Choo heels.

Not good enough reasons? Oh well, I don't have much follow-through. My initial ideas are always good, but the execution of the ideas...not so graceful. My mind loses focus and I can't get my thoughts down on paper fast enough.

I also talked to a friend today for 40 minutes about erections, nueroscience, hookah, and mint toothpaste. It was only then that I realized that I had taken our friendship for granted. I look forward to having those conversations for the rest of my life.

I also noticed that I'm the friend that forgets to ask about the other person. You know the one. Example, someone will ask me how my weekend was, and I'll reply with a "Oh, it was fine." And then I'll forget to ask them the same thing. I don't know why I do this. It's not that I'm not interested in knowing...it's just that I forget.

I had a cappucino today and loved it. I guess I appreciate the small things but have no regard for the big ones. I value the fact that my printer has photocopying capabilities. I like that I'm the only kid I know without an Ipod. I love a good lunar eclipse. I love being the person who enjoys standing in the cleaning aisle at the grocery store. I enjoy watching other people learn. I love being single because it makes it easy to see the value in love. I enjoy sitting for hours listening to one song because after awhile...I can just become the song.

I enjoy that I am the only person that ever sees this.

After all, it's a dangerous business sharing your inner-world with other people.

How many people were at Hemmingway's side when he died?

And no, his three legged cats don't count.