And if I was a sickman....I never meant to be...!

Last time. This is the last time I am going to pretend like I feel nothing; pretend that I'm worthless. I'm not.

I matter. And I'm going to prove it to you!

I'm so happy right now; I don't think I've ever been happy when I've written one of these. But now I am.

I'm happy about the things that matter....the things that matter to me and to Him. That's it.

Yay for me.

Class time. Fail time. Happy un-happy time. Wish me no luck, I already got mine for the week.

Runaway: Summer Couldn't Be Less Appealing

1. I have finally reached a point in my life where I know I will never be anything great. I will spend the rest of my life trying to hide from everyone and everything. Everyone else seems to be so successful...they've already got plans, they're already living the way they want too. I can't even find the energy to get out of bed most days. I guess I'm finally getting what I deserve. I'm a textbook girl; I don't know how to survive outside of the world I created for myself. How do you make friends? How do you learn to keep relationships....I'm just not sure. I can't believe that I'm just now realizing this. I feel like Federer after Sunday's events. I just want to cry...I've been kicked from my number 1 seat and I've lost game, set, and match to the number 2 seed.

2. I'm being knocked from every direction. Sideways....

3. Boredom is totally underestimated....it can drive you to become someone you don't want to be. It makes you do stupid things; it makes you dream. It makes you want to have hope that is no longer there...these feelings won't go away. Can you really climb out of the system? Does it really work that way?

4. I don't like thinking about life's unanswered questions. It requires too much guestimation and reasoning. I like math. I like it when things have an order....I just accept things...I don't really care how they come to be...I only know that they are the way they are for a reason; the reason just means nothing to me.

5. These feelings won't go away. What do you do when you only exist on the internet? Everyday floats between reality and cyberspace for me lately. I'm not complaining...I'm just trying to figure out how I got to this point. Is it a low or a high?

6. I think that people should just forget that I am rotting away. I can't stand to think about how others are doing...I am selfish person and always have been.

There's nothing else to say tonight. I've run out of reasons...or rather I can only count to six. How unfortunate. This little megabyte needs sleep. And maybe just a little whiskey too...

Round 4 - I've Got Dreams I Don't Want To Remember

Some days I just wish I never got out of bed.

Some days I wish I never turned on my brain.

Some days I wish I didn't get so scared.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll be like this forever.

Today was not good. My good friend died and then undied. My best male friend had a lung collapse. I thought he was going to leave me too. My shrink charges by the tear and so instead I just wimper and shake. It feels terrible, but at least I don't get soaked.

It's all about perspective, I suppose. You say I did it on purpose, I say I was confused. It doesn't really matter who's right. It's not my fault you're planning on ignoring for the rest of our lives. In fact, right now, today, I don't even care. Go on, it's fine.
I don't have a problem leaving people behind. I've done it my whole life.

What makes you think you're any different? I can treat you just like all the rest.

In fact, I will.

I had a horrific dream last night.
They say you're supposed to wake up when you die.
But last night I didn't...and I got to hear what people thought. And it broke my dreaming heart.

I thought people cared; but I realized I'm the only one that gets sad.

I thought of him today.

The dream I'd like to forget.

He doused me in gasoline and laughed while his best friend lit the match.

I guess people never change.

I could really use that angel of mercy right about now. But even he isn't paying attention to this anymore.

And I can't say I blame him.

I Want To Be Known For My Hits, Not My Misses.

Today has been nothing less than enlightening.

I had one of those really amazing friend moments today. You know, you have a new friend, and there's trust but it's super limited because you don't really know much about them. So you tell people that you're friends, but deep down you have no idea. Well, I finally had my "we're friends" moment with a new friend today. It was perfect. I love those really deep friend moments. It makes me feel like a rockstar or something.

Friends are so rare these days. You have them, but constantly question why the hell they even bother hanging out with you. I wonder that everyday. Everytime someone speaks to me, I just think, "Do you even really like me? Do you know who I am?" I guess part of me is just insecure and second guesses every good thing in my life. I mostly think that if I wasn't me I wouldn't want to be friends with me. I'm just not that cool. And no matter what anyone says...I am not a good person.

You might be thinking, come on *****, why wouldn't people like you? I'll tell you why.

I self-medicate with song lyrics and insults.
I overdose on self-pity.
I'm letting my heart-disease kill me because it seems easier than finding a cure.
I'm comfortable knowing that my life is not important in the grand scheme of things.
I blog because I know that none of my friends could ever really support or accept who I really think I am.
I'm only emo on paper.
And I can't stand black unless it takes the shape of 4" Jimmy-Choo heels.

Not good enough reasons? Oh well, I don't have much follow-through. My initial ideas are always good, but the execution of the ideas...not so graceful. My mind loses focus and I can't get my thoughts down on paper fast enough.

I also talked to a friend today for 40 minutes about erections, nueroscience, hookah, and mint toothpaste. It was only then that I realized that I had taken our friendship for granted. I look forward to having those conversations for the rest of my life.

I also noticed that I'm the friend that forgets to ask about the other person. You know the one. Example, someone will ask me how my weekend was, and I'll reply with a "Oh, it was fine." And then I'll forget to ask them the same thing. I don't know why I do this. It's not that I'm not interested in knowing...it's just that I forget.

I had a cappucino today and loved it. I guess I appreciate the small things but have no regard for the big ones. I value the fact that my printer has photocopying capabilities. I like that I'm the only kid I know without an Ipod. I love a good lunar eclipse. I love being the person who enjoys standing in the cleaning aisle at the grocery store. I enjoy watching other people learn. I love being single because it makes it easy to see the value in love. I enjoy sitting for hours listening to one song because after awhile...I can just become the song.

I enjoy that I am the only person that ever sees this.

After all, it's a dangerous business sharing your inner-world with other people.

How many people were at Hemmingway's side when he died?

And no, his three legged cats don't count.

Round 2

This came just a little late. I could apologize, but I feel like I've been doing too much of that lately. It's like every word that comes out is a huge mistake. I mean to filter things, but when you're so messed up, it's hard to figure out what the hell I'm talking about.

Wow, I haven't written in months and months plus a few more months. Not much has changed. One year older. A few big accomplishments, a few big heartaches, a few big mistakes, a few fun days.

Someone flirted with me today. I have to be honest and say it was one of the most awkward days of my life. I mean, this isn't the first time it's happened, but it is the first time lately that it's happened and I've actually tried to flirt back. Usually I just take the flirt at face-value and write the guy off as being a perv and then I purposely ignore him for a very long time. But today I didn't. I've been thinking about it all afternoon too. I even have this dumb lovestruck look on my face. I mean, there's no way me and my flirt are getting together.

He's just too him and I'm just too me.

I don't deserve people like that.

Mostly because I don't think I'll ever recover from heart disease. I just don't see how it's possible.

I'm still afraid of being alone. But then when I'm with people, I suddenly want to be back in my room, alone, with my headphones tucked snuggly and securely in my little ears. It's the only position I feel safe in. I love being with myself because even though it is scary to be solo, it's way MORE scary to be with other people.

I have loads of friends. And one best friend. But, somedays, I just look at them and wonder what they see in me. Why do they even stick around? They always say nice things, but when I say nice things, I rarely mean them. I'm just not a nice person. Sometimes I say lovely, funny, passionate, witty, gentle, and excellent things. I mean all of those. It's just the nicieties that are lost on me.

Blogging is a lost art form. As in a million people have one of these and yet none of us is changing the world with our words.

But I think that's mostly because the world doesn't want to be saved anymore.

We're happy suffering and feeling tortured.

Go Satan! Except, not really.

Round 1

Have you ever been so tired that you're afraid to fall asleep? Like, maybe somehow you think somebody is going to be watching you. I feel like I can't dream on my own anymore. The dreams always involve the people I'm most afraid of. I can't come into contact with them in real life and the only way to be a part of their lives is through dreaming.

I don't mean to be a coward, but this is who I am.

I want this to be an apology...but so far, I'm the only person who thinks I've done something wrong. I don't like climbing into bed. I don't want to dream if I can only dream of one thing. My eyesight is going bad.....and so is my heart.

Heart disease is a state of mind in my case.

I don't want to know what anybody thinks. I just want to fall over. Down and down. So far down that only I can pick myself up. I want to be on my own.

This is why I can't get a date to prom. I'm afraid of being alone, but I'm more afraid of being with someone. What if they see who I really am...scared...vulnerable...overrated. I can't deal with that.

If he can dance by himself, then so can I.

I'll tell you my "almost prom date" story another day.

"For me the greif is still too near."

you're goddam right it is.